Online Counseling, Therapy & Life Coaching
EMDR Therapy for Individuals, Couples, Families – In Person, Video or Telephone
Psychology of Attraction in Relationships
Theories of love can’t fully explain love and attraction,
but if you learn to trust your intuition you will find more successful relationships.
After seeing many clients struggling in love and relationships, over the years I have developed a theory about trusting the first few moments of interaction. Those first few moments of meeting a new potential love interest are critical. If you listen to the signs and signals, and learn to trust them you will avoid many problems in the relationship further into the future.
Intuition Exercise
Think of a person that you had a relationship with in the past—a friend, lover, or partner. What do you remember feeling, thinking, or intuiting about that person in the first couple of minutes?
For example, when a past client of mine first met her husband she thought, “He is wild and free, open and honest.” His wild and free personality sparked an alert within her right away, but she liked him, and, eventually, she felt she wanted to have children with him. They married seven months later.
My client overlooked her first impression, “He is wild and free,” because she wanted to have a child and she felt comfortable with him. Years later, his wild and free traits continued, which manifested as unsteady employment, financial overspending, and long hours through the night creating little career outcomes. He later wanted to “swing” with other couples. They divorced and continue to be friendly toward each other.
Although they had a beautiful child together, my client often wondered if she had listened to the quiet warning when she met him, and had not followed her “agenda,” if her life would have been different. She shared that she doesn’t regret the choice she made, but she wonders what may have happened if she had followed her intuition?
Intuition As a Guide
Intuition is direct perception of truth and fact, independent of any reasoning process or immediate apprehension. It is sometimes referred to as a “gut feeling.” When is it safe to go with your gut? Unconscious (or intuitive) communication is the transfer of information unconsciously between humans. At times, it is subtle and may be a brief thought or feeling that passes quickly. If you ignore or miss it, you may be missing very important information about the person or situation. Intuition is a skill that is innate and is based on experience. The more we listen and trust, the better guide it becomes.
Another past client shared with me, “My intuition was strong about a man I met on a train while traveling from New York. I was 38. He boarded the train in NY with his friends, a beautiful french woman and her partner a male artist.”
My client felt like she had known this man all of her life. They laughed, talked, and he took photos of her. She wanted to spend more time with him. But, as they arrived to her home city, she said good bye because she was already engaged and wanted a family.
“I didn’t listen. I didn’t pay attention to my gut, my knowing.” she told me. “I wonder sometimes, was he the one? I never even saw the photos.”
Often in my practice, I see attractive, educated, compassionate, and competent women continually finding themselves with the many types of men that aren’t good for them. The gigolo, who reels her in and then abandons her; the go-to-my-cave guy who then comes-out-with-no-insight; the conflict avoider; or, the dedicated husband and father who explains “I’m here, that proves I love you,” as if he doesn’t have to put forth the effort to nurture and improve the relationship any more. There are men who can leave the relationship, start new, and never turn back. Then, there is the verbal abuser, who comes on strong, demeans, and isolates his partner slowly from friends and family. He blames subtly and then overtly for his anger, which is expressed verbally and then physically, always apologizing and promising it won’t happen again. There is also the nerdy, nice guy who seems boring. Then, finally, there is the man who is honest, sincere, knows how to love and be loved — and who wants to nurture and work on improving your relationship daily.
It takes some women a lifetime to spot the right one. Is there a quicker way to spot them and avoid years of pain?
Start Making Better Choices
How can you start to make better choices? First, learn to listen to the voice that comes from deep within yourself, that part of you that flinches when you are around something that is unsafe or dangerous, or even just slightly uncomfortable. Next, notice the feeling of openness and comfort that you feel when you are around those who love and support you. Stop and notice how your body feels when you are engaged in something that you love or enjoy. Pay attention to how your body responds and learn to trust it. That is your intuition. Many times when we reflect on a situation, we remember feeling a twinge of discomfort, insecurity, or strangeness that is quickly dismissed, because of lack of trust. Instead, practice listening and trusting how your body responds. That is always your best guide.
Jean Pollack is a psychologist and life coach. Read her book, Tango from Chaos to Creativity.
With Winter Coming, Try Therapy in Your Home
Don’t let the snow or flu season interfere with your therapy sessions. Inclement weather and less sunlight during winter can increase depression, illness, and lethargy. It brings that “I just want to stay at home and rest” feeling. Many of my clients are now using phone or video sessions for this reason and others. Recently, a client’s child was home sick from school, so I told her to grab a cup of coffee or tea and we could have our session over the phone. An increasingly popular method of counseling, distance therapy allows you to have therapy anywhere—from the comfort of your own home or wherever you have access to a phone or computer.
Distance Therapy Works
Many of us are accustomed to seeing a therapist in his or her office for 50 to 60 minutes. However, in Scientific American’s Distance Therapy Comes of Age, Robert Epstein, a Harvard researcher and the former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today, writes about how effective distance therapy can be versus traditional sessions. “With distant therapy,” he says, “you can see your progress in black and white, referring to people who text with their therapist. The sessions are visible and can be reviewed for progress. Research demonstrates that remote email chat voice or text can effectively treat cognitive, behavioral and emotional disorders.”
The college students I work with enjoy texting me about their anxiety, relationships, and school stress before class (or even during), because they like the quick and effective interaction. It’s simply more convenient for them. Many students are also away from home, unable to come into my office, or are just too busy and distracted by school projects and socializing. They may not reach out for help if phone sessions or texting were not available.
Emailing is another preferred option for some people who like to update me during the day, so that they don’t forget important topics to discuss at their upcoming session. They can also ask for help throughout the week before our next appointment. Emailing, texting, video, or phone sessions are a quick and easy way to solve problems with a professional therapist.
Distance therapy sessions are becoming more and more popular all over the world. The fact is, people are busy everywhere. Many couples are working late hours. They are commuting long distances and are fatigued by the end of the day. Couples sessions by video are increasing every week at my practice, because they offer people convenience, emotional support, and guidance through stressful work weeks.
New mothers, known for having little time for themselves and in need of support during transition, also tend to find distance therapy an easy alternative. When the weather is harsh, they don’t want to drive with their toddler or they may just want to stay in their pajamas because they have been up all night with a crying child. With distance therapy, they can still easily receive needed care and treatment.
Make a Plan For Behavioral Change
One of the first things I do with each of my clients—whether in person or in distance therapy—is to create a behavioral plan. This helps patients better manage their work, children, and relationships. Often, couples are concerned about their family and how to help everyone work together in a less stressful environment. I help people to create, review, or edit their behavioral plan so the family can implement it in the home. This personalized plan helps to reduce problem behaviors or increase desired behaviors. We discuss minor problems, like clutter and no one picking up after themselves, which create ongoing stress, arguing, and anger. Other targets may be financial stress or concerns about behavior problems with the children or spouse. A statement of the behavior is targeted for change; then, short term and long-term behavior goals are created. An explanation of how the behaviors and progress will be measured, and an explanation of what the plan will include (such as charts or rewards) are agreed upon. Finally, the plan is reviewed and revised weekly or biweekly as needed. This is very helpful for families and individuals because it keeps them not only involved with their life coach or therapist, but also feeling supported and accountable.
Although in person talk therapy will continue to be a way for patients to receive care, distance therapy is a convenient option for many. Join my clients who already use the convenience of online, talk, and/or chat therapy. Distance therapy is an extremely effective way to improve your life.
Dr. Jean Pollack is an EMDR therapist at Innovative Counseling Services Inc. Read her book, Tango from Chaos to Creativity.
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