“My friends understand me, but my mom and I fight because we miscommunicate when we text.”
Recently, in a counseling session, my client and her daughter were discussing relationship conflicts that seem to be triggered by texting each other. Eventually, the teenage daughter blurted out. “She texts me about things I can’t do anything about, like clean my room or taking out the trash. I’m at school, why is she texting me about that?”
According to Wikipedia, the average American teen receives over 3,300 texts per month. In 2009, it was estimated that 2.5 billion text messages are sent every day in the United States. What exactly are people texting about?
According to Forbes‘ The Psychology of Texting, by Alice G. Walton, “People use texts for a variety of purposes. What’s fascinating is what people are willing to say in texts that they would never say in person. Somehow it’s OK to be a little more revealing, forthright, and feisty than it is when you’re talking face to face. And this honesty via text works both to our detriment and betterment. ”
The female teenager in my office explained to me. “My mother doesn’t get it when I’m kidding and doesn’t know when she is annoying me.”
After a couple of sessions, the teenager and her mother decided to only text back and forth short messages about itinerary or short salutations of good luck or thanks. When other topics arose, she and her mother agreed to set up an appointment to talk in person.
Texting allows a distance between us and our textees. It gives us the courage to say things more impulsively and spontaneously than we would in person. We are freer to express what is happening, how we are feeling, and what we want at that moment. It can serve a good purpose, but for those who already have trouble communicating, this can cause further misunderstanding and conflict, especially when used across generations.
A generational communication gap seems to be inherent in texting. If there is, should texting be limited to just quick check-ins rather than full conversations like in the case of my clients?
Texters of the boomer generation don’t use emoticons as frequently as the younger generations. Older people seem to equate emoticons with actual emotions, such as a wink means you are actually flirting whereas a wink to a younger texter could be only emphasizing the text’s content. Therefore, meaning attached to a text can be misinterpreted and lead to misconceptions and unintended emotional messages.
In the realm of psychology, many young adults, ages 18-26, particularly enjoy texting and emailing as a form of communication with their therapist. It is real time: current reactions to current situations. The information is available to review when they come into my office for a visit. Instead of forgetting something important, we can recapture the words, emotion, and situation, which is helpful. I have integrated texting and emailing into my psychology practice, and it has been used with many of my young adult clients very successfully.
Overall, texting can be and is used by many ages for a wealth of reasons, including therapy. Again, according to Forbes‘ The Psychology of Texting, Dr. Alan Manevitz, at New York-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell Medical Center shares that texting can be very positive for psychology and for clients of all ages. “Texts also allow patients to be more comfortable opening up about their experiences than they tend to be in person. They’re more willing to reveal the thoughts they’ve had,” says Manevitz, “Or the choices they’ve made, which is particularly true for teens who are experimenting with new activities and substances that they might be ashamed to reveal on the couch.”
That said, texting is just one form of communication and like anything can be beneficial or detrimental, depending on the intent and context used. For example, if texting across generations results in misunderstanding and conflicts, stop texting about important topics. Instead, make an appointment to sit down and talk to each other or talk on the phone without distractions.
The teenager and her mother now limit their texting to certain topics and they notice how much more often they talk in person. As a result their relationship has improved because they have less conflicts and misunderstandings. Being present, at times, allows the full expression of the words to be more fully understood. Relationships are important. Choose your communication style carefully.
*Copyright Jean Pollack
Photo credit: Flickr
In relationships, the balance between money, power, and sex are intertwined. Often, when power of control shifts, interest in the desire for sex changes.
If a couple does not discuss how money will be spent, saved, or managed, misunderstandings develop. If ongoing, the person in charge of the bills may become resentful and the other angry because he or she feels angry for not having enough spending money or savings. For example, one partner may like to have a nest egg to feel comfortable while the other likes to “live in the now,” spending money on what he or she feels deserving of after working long hours. Without communication and equal responsibility for managing and saving, resentment and anger may build.
Unspoken anger and resentment can lead to severe conflict, which interferes with desire and sometimes frequency of intimacy. To avoid this, take time to discuss how “we” are going to save and spend is very important. I recommend this type of discussion on a weekly basis to couples I see in therapy.
“Essentially, unresolved conflicts about money, sex, and power are what bring couples into therapy,” said Dr. Carl Richards, a financial planner, in the New York Times blog post Your Financial Honeymoon Will Eventually End. “Learning to have meaningful and honest conversations about money is something that should be part of every relationship both new and old.”
1. Sit down together and decide to record every dollar that is being spent.
2. Look at the figures together.
3. Agree to spending and saving goals.
4. Once a week, discuss your progress together and talk in terms of “we,” (i.e., what are we going to do about this or that — not you or me). This helps to develop a team approach to your financial relationship as well as your overall relationship.
5. Keep the stress lowered and also make time to enjoy each other by planning fun, lighthearted time together.
If you follow these five steps, your relationship will blossom as you develop partnership and equal control over major areas of your shared life.
Overall, accountant David Cowles agrees on how important it is budget.
Recording where the money goes is essential to understanding true costs and being fiscally responsible and budgeting. I tell clients that it is OK to have some funds just budgeted for “spending money” and not having to account for it all but both partners have to agree on what this amount is – whether it is $40 each per week or whatever. $40 a week for 2 people adds up to $4,160 a year which can be significant to be careful in deciding what you spend.
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Theories of love can’t fully explain love and attraction,
but if you learn to trust your intuition you will find more successful relationships.
After seeing many clients struggling in love and relationships, over the years I have developed a theory about trusting the first few moments of interaction. Those first few moments of meeting a new potential love interest are critical. If you listen to the signs and signals, and learn to trust them you will avoid many problems in the relationship further into the future.
Think of a person that you had a relationship with in the past—a friend, lover, or partner. What do you remember feeling, thinking, or intuiting about that person in the first couple of minutes?
For example, when a past client of mine first met her husband she thought, “He is wild and free, open and honest.” His wild and free personality sparked an alert within her right away, but she liked him, and, eventually, she felt she wanted to have children with him. They married seven months later.
My client overlooked her first impression, “He is wild and free,” because she wanted to have a child and she felt comfortable with him. Years later, his wild and free traits continued, which manifested as unsteady employment, financial overspending, and long hours through the night creating little career outcomes. He later wanted to “swing” with other couples. They divorced and continue to be friendly toward each other.
Although they had a beautiful child together, my client often wondered if she had listened to the quiet warning when she met him, and had not followed her “agenda,” if her life would have been different. She shared that she doesn’t regret the choice she made, but she wonders what may have happened if she had followed her intuition?
Intuition is direct perception of truth and fact, independent of any reasoning process or immediate apprehension. It is sometimes referred to as a “gut feeling.” When is it safe to go with your gut? Unconscious (or intuitive) communication is the transfer of information unconsciously between humans. At times, it is subtle and may be a brief thought or feeling that passes quickly. If you ignore or miss it, you may be missing very important information about the person or situation. Intuition is a skill that is innate and is based on experience. The more we listen and trust, the better guide it becomes.
Another past client shared with me, “My intuition was strong about a man I met on a train while traveling from New York. I was 38. He boarded the train in NY with his friends, a beautiful french woman and her partner a male artist.”
My client felt like she had known this man all of her life. They laughed, talked, and he took photos of her. She wanted to spend more time with him. But, as they arrived to her home city, she said good bye because she was already engaged and wanted a family.
“I didn’t listen. I didn’t pay attention to my gut, my knowing.” she told me. “I wonder sometimes, was he the one? I never even saw the photos.”
Often in my practice, I see attractive, educated, compassionate, and competent women continually finding themselves with the many types of men that aren’t good for them. The gigolo, who reels her in and then abandons her; the go-to-my-cave guy who then comes-out-with-no-insight; the conflict avoider; or, the dedicated husband and father who explains “I’m here, that proves I love you,” as if he doesn’t have to put forth the effort to nurture and improve the relationship any more. There are men who can leave the relationship, start new, and never turn back. Then, there is the verbal abuser, who comes on strong, demeans, and isolates his partner slowly from friends and family. He blames subtly and then overtly for his anger, which is expressed verbally and then physically, always apologizing and promising it won’t happen again. There is also the nerdy, nice guy who seems boring. Then, finally, there is the man who is honest, sincere, knows how to love and be loved — and who wants to nurture and work on improving your relationship daily.
It takes some women a lifetime to spot the right one. Is there a quicker way to spot them and avoid years of pain?
How can you start to make better choices? First, learn to listen to the voice that comes from deep within yourself, that part of you that flinches when you are around something that is unsafe or dangerous, or even just slightly uncomfortable. Next, notice the feeling of openness and comfort that you feel when you are around those who love and support you. Stop and notice how your body feels when you are engaged in something that you love or enjoy. Pay attention to how your body responds and learn to trust it. That is your intuition. Many times when we reflect on a situation, we remember feeling a twinge of discomfort, insecurity, or strangeness that is quickly dismissed, because of lack of trust. Instead, practice listening and trusting how your body responds. That is always your best guide.
Jean Pollack is a psychologist and life coach. Read her book, Tango from Chaos to Creativity.
In the Scientific American’s Distance Therapy Comes of Age, by Robert Epstein states that with distant therapy you can, “see your progress in black and white,” referring to people who text with their therapist. The sessions are visible and can be reviewed for progress. Epstein also shares that “research demonstrates that remote email Chat voice or text can effectively treat cognitive, behavioral and emotional disorders.”
Text, Email, Video Are the Way of Therapy’s Future
My college age clients text me about their anxiety, relationships, school stress, etc. It is a quick and easy, confidential way to solve problems with a professional. At Innovative Counseling, I also work with mothers who are busy with children and benefit from a behavioral plan that can be developed by phone, skype, or texting. This plan is reviewed and revised weekly or biweekly as needed. It is helpful, convenient, and HIPPA compliant with the software used on my site. Couples sessions by video offer people convenience and emotional support and guidance through transitional periods. Although in person talk therapy will always be around, the new electronic tools are an option for many.
According to a recent story in the New York Times, Facebook is one of the most popular searches for couples and singles.
Does Facebook Cause Relationship Turmoil?
Facebook is frequently a topic of conversation and conflict in today’s couples counseling. Facebook has made impulsive dating and “hooking up” so easy and quick that repercussions are not considered until they break the trust in a person’s current relationship.
As a therapist, I listen to couples argue about who they have as “friends” and how they list each other on Facebook as an indicator of their commitment to their current relationship.
“Why don’t you have yourself listed as ‘in relationship?’” one man asks his partner, who he has been dating for the past few months and has now entered couples counseling with her.
“I don’t want to look bad to my friends and colleagues if we don’t work out,” she says. “They know that you and I don’t get along well and I’m not ready to commit on Facebook to being in relationship because I would then have to change it and that would make me look unstable.”
While he looks perplexed, I suggest to her that there is a disconnect in her reasoning and ask her to explain again, which she does with complete conviction. Her partner hears her saying, “I’m not committed to you.”
When trust is broken it is hard to repair. This type of Facebook conflict has become more and more prevalent in my psychology practice. Other heated topics include questions about who you should keep on Facebook while in a relationship (ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends, wives, husbands, etc) and should your partner be able to access your Facebook?
The question is, does Facebook actually causing these problems or bring already existing relationship problems into a more public view?
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