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The more I learn about psychology  — whether theories of development and cognition, brain function, types of therapy and range of diagnoses, or the myriad psychotropic medications and their effect on the brain — the less I think we, as psychologists, really know.

The word Psychology is made of two ancient Greek words: psyche, meaning soul and logos, meaning word. Today, however, as egos of both men and women drive psychological research, developing and implementing complex theories, the field of psychology has moved away from its basic truth and meaning: to study the mind, behavior, and the soul.

In psychiatry and psychology, we would do better for our clients not to be the “know-it-all” of truth. Inherently, psychology is a creative process, meaning both patient and psychologist must learn and work together toward simple truth.

How Does the APA Define Psychology?

According to the American Psychological Association (APA), “Psychology is the study of the mind and behavior. The discipline embraces all aspects of the human experience — from the functions of the brain to the actions of nations, from child development to care for the aged. In every conceivable setting from scientific research centers to mental health care services, ‘the understanding of behavior’ is the enterprise of psychologists.”

So, if psychologists are studying the soul, which manifests in human behavior, we must be attuned to the spiritual strivings in human beings in order to understand behavior and improve society.

I see psychology as a creative process where people learn to become aware of, acknowledge, and solve their problems in their own way. The therapist encourages and supports the patient through the interaction of behaviors, emotions, mind, and body expression. By using heuristic words, we don’t make suggestions, set directives, give covert demands, commands, or interpretations in the conventional sense. Instead, we guide. Heuristics, as defined by Webster’s dictionary, means “to invent or discover: helping to discover or learn.”

Simple truths emanate from human beings. We need to be loved unconditionally, accepted, and respected. With this comes the freedom to self-express and find happiness.

This natural creative process is stifled or thwarted by dysfunctional or ignorant family messages, expectations, or limitations, by rigid religious dogma, or judgmental restrictive societal expectations. “I am not good enough” and “I am not loveable” are the two most prevalent beliefs that distort human beings’ ability to live a creative and self-expressive life. As a psychologist, I conclude that the less we do and the more we listen — really listen, heuristically — the more often the creative process will occur.

I use Ernest Rossi’s technique called The Four-Stage Creative Cycle, which encourages my clients to notice what they are experiencing, explore their emotions and memories, explore possibilities of healing and problem solving, and how to reframe their symptoms and problems into creative inner resources to be developed further. I am there to support. They are reclaiming their lost power by finding their answers within for themselves while being supported and reminded of their inherent ability to create new pathways toward health and well-being.

You can learn more about my practice on Innovative Counseling Services website.

Photo credit: Truthout

*Copyright Jean Pollack

In relationships, the balance between money, power, and sex are intertwined. Often, when power of control shifts, interest in the desire for sex changes.

If a couple does not discuss how money will be spent, saved, or managed, misunderstandings develop. If ongoing, the person in charge of the bills may become resentful and the other angry because he or she feels angry for not having enough spending money or savings. For example, one partner may like to have a nest egg to feel comfortable while the other likes to “live in the now,” spending money on what he or she feels deserving of after working long hours. Without communication and equal responsibility for managing and saving, resentment and anger may build.

Unspoken anger and resentment can lead to severe conflict, which interferes with desire and sometimes frequency of intimacy. To avoid this, take time to discuss how “we” are going to save and spend is very important. I recommend this type of discussion on a weekly basis to couples I see in therapy.

“Essentially, unresolved conflicts about money, sex, and power are what bring couples into therapy,” said Dr. Carl Richards, a financial planner, in the New York Times blog post Your Financial Honeymoon Will Eventually End. “Learning to have meaningful and honest conversations about money is something that should be part of every relationship both new and old.”

What Can You Do Now?

1.  Sit down together and decide to record every dollar that is being spent.
2.  Look at the figures together.

•  What is your income?
•  What are you spending?
•  How much do you want to save?
• What are your short-term goals (upcoming events to save for) and long-term goals (i.e., take a vacation, save for college, change careers, or buy a home)?

3.  Agree to spending and saving goals.
4.  Once a week, discuss your progress together and talk in terms of “we,” (i.e., what are we going to do about this or that — not you or me). This helps to develop a team approach to your financial relationship as well as your overall relationship.
5.  Keep the stress lowered and also make time to enjoy each other by planning fun, lighthearted time together.

If you follow these five steps, your relationship will blossom as you develop partnership and equal control over major areas of your shared life. For support and ongoing conflict resolution, follow Innovative Counseling’s website, Facebook, LinkedIn, or sign up for our newsletter.

Peak-experiences occur while running, driving, dancing, meditating, and sometimes when least expected. Peak-experiences release creative energy and promote self-growth. You know truth when you experience one. There is no question when you realize a universal truth. It simply arrives.

Abraham Maslow, a well-known American psychologist, thought that peak-experience can help us to achieve personal growth, integration, and fulfillment. According to University of Rochester’s Dr. Sandy Stahlman, “Maslow believed that we should study and cultivate peak-experience, so that we can teach those in our culture to those who ‘have never had them or who repress or suppress them,’ providing them a route to achieve personal growth, integration, and fulfillment.”

I experienced the most amazing awareness of truth or peak-experience ten years ago, and it changed my perception and influenced both my psychology practice and how I am writing my second book.

As I was driving home from seeing clients at my office, from the left side of the top of my head, I felt and heard the words, “Stop analyzing and theorizing, just be.” Then, a beautiful flood of poetry caused me to cry and sob. I didn’t want to stop the flow so I continued to drive, and for 45 minutes I experienced such profound beauty, similar to poetry with crescendos of sobbing and pure awe. The message continued, “Stop analyzing, theorizing, and be.”

At the end of this experience, I felt light and full of love and connection. It was truth.

As I walked into the chinese restaurant where I usually stop for dinner on Thursday nights, I felt a connection to everyone in there. I wanted to love them and share with them my experience, but I didn’t. However, those 45 minutes of bliss and beauty left me wanting more truth.

Victor Frankl, a psychologist and medical doctor who studied peak-experiences and also experienced one, shares in his book A Man’s Search for Meaning, “A thought transfixed me: for the first time in my life I saw the truth as it is set into song by so many poets, proclaimed as the final wisdom by so many thinkers. The truth — that love is the ultimate and the highest goal to which man can aspire.”

Afterward, Frankl added “self-transcendence” to Maslow’s hierarchy. Transcendeance means “going beyond,” while “self-transcendence” means going beyond a prior form or state of oneself.

Before that night in my car, I had never experienced what others describe as a “stream of consciousness” or a peak-experience. It revealed to me a universal truth. There was no doubt, and it was beautiful.

Healing and Therapeutic Effects

Maslow describes how the peak experience tends to be uplifting and ego-transcending; it releases creative energies; it affirms the meaning and value of existence; it gives a sense of purpose to the individual; it gives a feeling of integration; it leaves a permanent mark on the individual, evidently changing them for the better.

Peak experiences usually come on suddenly and are often inspired by deep meditation, exposure to great art or music, or nature’s beauty. They can occur when your mind is open and during activities such as dance, running, and writing.

As Maslow shares in his own book, Religion, Values, and Peak-Experiences, “Then, I grasped the meaning of the greatest secret that human poetry and human thought and belief have to impart: The salvation of man is through love and in love. I understood how a man who has nothing left in this world still may know bliss.”

Peak-experiences can also be extremely therapeutic in that they tend to increase the individual’s free will, self-determination, and creativity. Maslow claimed that all individuals are capable of peak-experiences. Virtually everyone, he suggested has a number of peak-experiences in the course of their life, but often such experiences are taken for granted.

In so-called “non-peakers,” peak-experiences are somehow resisted and suppressed. Maslow argued that peak experiences should be studied and cultivated, so that they can be introduced to those who have never had them or who resist them, providing them a route to achieve personal growth, integration, and fulfillment.

My experience seemed to be related to the words, “Stop analyzing and theorizing, just be,” which may seem difficult for a psychologist to understand, but it was a deep truth that changed my perception of “doing” versus “being.” As a result, my practice has become more based on mindfulness over the past five years.

One year following my peak experience, I had a similar experience that lasted about ten minutes. It has been five years since my first experience, but I eagerly await another. These natural peak experiences are possible for everyone and they help people achieve personal growth, integration, and fulfillment.

Why don’t we experience more of them naturally or do we take them for granted when they occur? Would life be different if we encouraged peak experiences? Would we make better choices? Choose better mates? Create less drama, less pain, less suffering. Would we live, run, or dance with more purpose with universal truth as our guide?

Theories of love can’t fully explain love and attraction, but if you learn to trust your intuition you will find more successful relationships.

After seeing many clients struggling in love and relationships, over the years I have developed a theory about trusting the first few moments of interaction. Those first few moments of meeting a new potential love interest are critical. If you listen to the signs and signals, and learn to trust them you will avoid many problems in the relationship further into the future.

Intuition Exercise

Think of a person that you had a relationship with in the past—a friend, lover, or partner. What do you remember feeling, thinking, or intuiting about that person in the first couple of minutes?

For example, when a past client of mine first met her husband she thought, “He is wild and free, open and honest.” His wild and free personality sparked an alert within her right away, but she liked him, and, eventually, she felt she wanted to have children with him. They married seven months later.

My client overlooked her first impression, “He is wild and free,” because she wanted to have a child and she felt comfortable with him. Years later, his wild and free traits continued, which manifested as unsteady employment, financial overspending, and long hours through the night creating little career outcomes. He later wanted to “swing” with other couples. They divorced and continue to be friendly toward each other.

Although they had a beautiful child together, my client often wondered if she had listened to the quiet warning when she met him, and had not followed her “agenda,” if her life would have been different. She shared that she doesn’t regret the choice she made, but she wonders what may have happened if she had followed her intuition?

Intuition As a Guide

Intuition is direct perception of truth and fact, independent of any reasoning process or immediate apprehension.  It is sometimes referred to as a “gut feeling.” When is it safe to go with your gut? Unconscious (or intuitive) communication is the transfer of information unconsciously between humans. At times, it is subtle and may be a brief thought or feeling that passes quickly. If you ignore or miss it, you may be missing very important information about the person or situation. Intuition is a skill that is innate and is based on experience. The more we listen and trust, the better guide it becomes.

Another past client shared with me, “My intuition was strong about a man I met on a train while traveling from New York. I was 38. He boarded the train in NY with his friends, a beautiful french woman and her partner a male artist.”

My client felt like she had known this man all of her life. They laughed, talked, and he took photos of her. She wanted to spend more time with him. But, as they arrived to her home city, she said good bye because she was already engaged and wanted a family.

“I didn’t listen. I didn’t pay attention to my gut, my knowing.” she told me.  “I wonder sometimes, was he the one? I never even saw the photos.”

Often in my practice, I see attractive, educated, compassionate, and competent women continually finding themselves with the many types of men that aren’t good for them. The gigolo, who reels her in and then abandons her; the go-to-my-cave guy who then comes-out-with-no-insight; the conflict avoider; or, the dedicated husband and father who explains “I’m here, that proves I love you,” as if he doesn’t have to put forth the effort to nurture and improve the relationship any more. There are men who can leave the relationship, start new, and never turn back. Then, there is the verbal abuser, who comes on strong, demeans, and isolates his partner slowly from friends and family. He blames subtly and then overtly for his anger, which is expressed verbally and then physically, always apologizing and promising it won’t happen again. There is also the nerdy, nice guy who seems boring. Then, finally, there is the man who is honest, sincere, knows how to love and be loved — and who wants to nurture and work on improving your relationship daily.

It takes some women a lifetime to spot the right one. Is there a quicker way to spot them and avoid years of pain?

 Start Making Better Choices

How can you start to make better choices? First, learn to listen to the voice that comes from deep within yourself, that part of you that flinches when you are around something that is unsafe or dangerous, or even just slightly uncomfortable. Next, notice the feeling of openness and comfort that you feel when you are around those who love and support you. Stop and notice how your body feels when you are engaged in something that you love or enjoy. Pay attention to how your body responds and learn to trust it. That is your intuition. Many times when we reflect on a situation, we remember feeling a twinge of discomfort, insecurity, or strangeness that is quickly dismissed, because of lack of trust. Instead, practice listening and trusting how your body responds. That is always your best guide.

Jean Pollack is a psychologist and life coach. Read her book, Tango from Chaos to Creativity.

Don’t let the snow or flu season interfere with your therapy sessions. Inclement weather and less sunlight during winter can increase depression, illness, and lethargy. It brings that “I just want to stay at home and rest” feeling. Many of my clients are now using phone or video sessions for this reason and others. Recently, a client’s child was home sick from school, so I told her to grab a cup of coffee or tea and we could have our session over the phone. An increasingly popular method of counseling, distance therapy allows you to have therapy anywhere—from the comfort of your own home or wherever you have access to a phone or computer.

Distance Therapy Works
Many of us are accustomed to seeing a therapist in his or her office for 50 to 60 minutes. However, in Scientific American’s Distance Therapy Comes of Age, Robert Epstein, a Harvard researcher and the former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today, writes about how effective distance therapy can be versus traditional sessions. “With distant therapy,” he says, “you can see your progress in black and white, referring to people who text with their therapist. The sessions are visible and can be reviewed for progress. Research demonstrates that remote email chat voice or text can effectively treat cognitive, behavioral and emotional disorders.”

The college students I work with enjoy texting me about their anxiety, relationships, and school stress before class (or even during), because they like the quick and effective interaction. It’s simply more convenient for them. Many students are also away from home, unable to come into my office, or are just too busy and distracted by school projects and socializing. They may not reach out for help if phone sessions or texting were not available.

Emailing is another preferred option for some people who like to update me during the day, so that they don’t forget important topics to discuss at their upcoming session. They can also ask for help throughout the week before our next appointment. Emailing, texting, video, or phone sessions are a quick and easy way to solve problems with a professional therapist.
Distance therapy sessions are becoming more and more popular all over the world. The fact is, people are busy everywhere. Many couples are working late hours. They are commuting long distances and are fatigued by the end of the day. Couples sessions by video are increasing every week at my practice,  because they offer people convenience, emotional support, and guidance through stressful work weeks.

New mothers, known for having little time for themselves and in need of support during transition, also tend to find distance therapy an easy alternative. When the weather is harsh, they don’t want to drive with their toddler or they may just want to stay in their pajamas because they have been up all night with a crying child. With distance therapy, they can still easily receive needed care and treatment.

Make a Plan For Behavioral Change
One of the first things I do with each of my clients—whether in person or in distance therapy—is to create a behavioral plan. This helps patients better manage their work, children, and relationships. Often, couples are concerned about their family and how to help everyone work together in a less stressful environment. I help people to create, review, or edit their behavioral plan so the family can implement it in the home. This personalized plan helps to reduce problem behaviors or increase desired behaviors. We discuss minor problems, like clutter and no one picking up after themselves, which create ongoing stress, arguing, and anger. Other targets may be financial stress or concerns about behavior problems with the children or spouse. A statement of the behavior is targeted for change; then, short term and long-term behavior goals are created. An explanation of how the behaviors and progress will be measured, and an explanation of what the plan will include (such as charts or rewards) are agreed upon. Finally, the plan is reviewed and revised weekly or biweekly as needed. This is very helpful for families and individuals because it keeps them not only involved with their life coach or therapist, but also feeling supported and accountable.

Although in person talk therapy will continue to be a way for patients to receive care, distance therapy is a convenient option for many. Join my clients who already use the convenience of online, talk, and/or chat therapy. Distance therapy is an extremely effective way to improve your life.

Dr. Jean Pollack is an EMDR therapist at Innovative Counseling Services Inc. Read her book, Tango from Chaos to Creativity.